Most of my friends and family were posting their own Father’s Day greetings a couple of days before “the big day”. I found myself torn between honoring my dad, who passed away in 2005; my husband, healthy and alive; and my two brothers, devoted fathers in their own right, all equally deserving of a tribute. In the end, I bought gift cards for my brothers and  made a short online photo album of my husband in sweet captured moments with my daughter.

I hadn’t visited my dad’s grave in maybe more than a year. It wasn’t from lack of desire to make the hour-long drive to the cemetery. I just didn’t feel as connected with him through his grave anymore. I feel him with me everywhere now. When I think of him, I always try to block out his last days in the hospital; those memories don’t fail to make me cry. Instead, I focus on all those years when he was young and healthy and strong. Still, with the hours slowly working up to June 21, 2009 I found myself reflecting on all the Father’s Days we’ve celebrated since my dad’s passing. I remembered how I dreaded that very first one without him, wondering how I’d feel when that day arrived. I pulled up the photo we took that day and that’s when I became inspired to write the poem below:

Stacks of photos worn with age,

Mini books of our lives – a chapter, a page.

I search out your face so alive and well.

You loved life, I can still tell!

One photo stands out above the rest

Of the family you left behind put to the test.

Bereft of your lively presence

We struggled to hang on to your loving essence.

It was our first Father’s Day without you.

Instinctively we wore the color blue.

It was your favorite after all,

Next to a putter and golf ball.

Determined to honor your memory,

Not quite your death’s three-month anniversary,

We focused on each other,

Intent on lifting the spirits of one another.

So here we were, Dad

All smiles despite feeling sad.

It’s what you would have wanted,

Living life because we never really parted.

Morning Pages – 7/7

Reviewing my morning pages over the last twelve weeks, it was a joy to read how I’ve willingly accepted and easily readjusted my schedule to accommodate writing. True there was some grumbling early on, but for all that, I never considered giving up my MPs. Despite this, there’s some fear as I finish my last week. I have come to rely on the structure TAW offers and a part of me is unsure of my ability to forge ahead on my own.

Artist Date – Friday, May 8

My husband gave me a new laptop as an early Mother’s Day present. I was getting frustrated as I tried to learn/get used to Microsoft Vista, install the programs I need to be productive and iron out any incompatibilities. I decided, on the spur of the moment, to take a break. I went to our local scrapbook store to relax and calm down. I found some inspirational sayings that I bought and used on my Rolodex. (Pictures below. Scroll over each picture to view the additions I made.) My inner critic pointed out that the orange and pink used in the sayings didn’t quite match the color theme of my Rolodex, but I squashed it silent. The brightness of the pink and orange matched the mood of my Rolodex perfectly – cheerful! So I used them all.

I’m not too worried about forgetting to go on my artist dates although I’ve noticed that my tendency is to take mini ones throughout the week instead of just one long excursion. Still, I welcome them, especially the spontaneous ones. I believe that God knows when I need to learn something so He makes my mini artist dates happen. I just follow along. In retrospect, I’ve always had an ah-hah moment during these spur-of-the-moment outings.

Synchronicity

In last week’s check-in I mentioned I shared TAW with my brother. Last Sunday he called to get ideas on how to re-start and/or go about his own journey. He’s working off of the workbook. (If anyone has any thoughts about using this instead of the book itself, I’d appreciate your sharing with me to pass on to him.)

Issues?

No significant issues have happened that would set me back, but I had a breakthrough with my “perfect” (inner critic) self. Although she surfaces now and then, I’ve learned to live harmoniously with her. It’s a work in progress, but I’m happy that there’s now more of a balance. (I hope to share more of this breakthrough in a future entry.)